Tag Archive | sad

Memories of my Dad

Hi everyone, just wanted to share a bit about my Dad.  I’m having a bit of a rough time today, as he passed away just 3 weeks ago today, and today would’ve been his 72nd birthday….

A few memories:

I remember when I was probably about 4 sitting in his lap, or rather standing and helping him drive the car into the garage.

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I remember weekends watching westerns and Wide World of Sports and eating spaghetti dinner with him out of a box (Chef Boyardee).

I remember him cutting up coconuts with a machete and sharing it with my brother and I, and letting us try the coconut milk inside.  Hmmm, I wonder if that’s why I lovvvve coconut water?

I remember falling off the back of my brother’s bike into a prickly pear cactus and being scraped with a pocket knife from head to toe to get all the cactus out.

I remember going with him on weekends when he was on his second job, remodeling houses, and helping where I could.

I remember him taking me to the hospital when I stepped on a roofing nail.

I remember him taking me to the gun range and teaching me not only to shoot, but how to properly clean firearms and to always respect them.

Dad taught us proper work ethic….be on time or early, work hard, do your job, do it right the first time, earn your paycheck, and always show respect.

Dad taught us to always respect our elders….Yes sir, no sir, yes ma’am, no ma’am.  No smart mouthing, no bad language, and you for darned sure better not even think about telling a lie…

We were expected to study hard, always do our best, and earn good grades.  Probably one reason I’m such a perfectionist, and still insist on getting A’s, even at my age.  ha

I remember working on cars with him, from about the age of 6 up through adulthood.  My hubby was pretty darned proud of me when he came home one day and I had put a new alternator on the car, all by myself.  I even finished up a lift kit we were putting on a Toyota truck once.  ha And for a time, I was really great at rebuilding motorcycle carburetors too!  Allll thanks to Dad teaching me a bit about working on cars and trucks when I was younger.

I remember our Wednesday’s when he’d pick me up from school early to go get my allergy shots listening to ollllld country music on the AM radio.

I remember how hard he worked to take care of us.  As many as 3 jobs at a time.  He wasn’t home much, but we knew he loved us just the same.

From the time I was born he had a nickname for me, and called me that up until the day he died.  No I’m not telling you what it is.  Some people know, and they also know they better not even dare think about calling me that.  Only Dad can do that.  My heart breaks knowing I will never hear him call me that again.

I remember the first time I went fishing with him, which was after I was married, and him throwing inky squid legs at me.  He couldn’t swim, but when we would wade fish off the beach, he’d walk out to the 3rd sandbar at low tide, in jeans, boots and a long sleeved shirt.  When he was done fishing a few hours later, the tide had generally come in and it was way over his head.  He would just walk back in and use his fishing pole to help him bob up for air!  lol My honeybunny and I went fishing with him many many times and have lots of great memories from going.

I remember him sneaking into the bathroom and pouring a jug of ice water over the top of the shower to pick on my husband when we were newlyweds.

I remember our one and only vacation when I was little, where our guinea pig died of heat exhaustion, a bear really and truly ate my Honey Comb cereal, we slid down dunes of gypsum, Dad climbed up a rock face……then the transmission went out on the car.

I remember when he decided to teach me to drive his granny geared 50 Chevy truck.  I had never EVER seen him look worried before, but he was holding on to the door for dear life!  ha

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I remember the day he took my hubby and I to get our marriage license, and my hubby had left his wallet in his car and we had to drive alllll the way back to the house to get it. Dad was not happy to say the least.  I was only 17, so he had to sign for me.  Our 32nd anniversary is in 2 days, and I’m so glad that Dad not only approved, but gave Troy his permission to ask me to marry him.  They got along great and had many good times together, fishing, building things, working on old vehicles…..

I remember when I got my first tattoo (I was 35) and worried he’d be mad (he was really ticked off that I got my upper ear pierced a week or so prior).  He wasn’t mad at all, he just wanted to know why I didn’t get one like grandpa’s!  Grandpa had a Marine bulldog on his arm.  I will be getting a couple of new ones soon, and one will be in memory….

I remember the first time he told me he was proud of me, and that wasn’t very many years ago, but knowing that he was proud of me meant the world to me, even if I did have to wait over 40 years to hear him say it.  I never ever had to wonder if he loved me though.  He always told me he loved me when we parted ways or hung up the phone.

This doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of all my wonderful memories I have of my Dad, but it gives you a few to share in.

My last memories are of me flying out to see him and say goodbye.  I went straight to the hospital from the airport.  His first words were “it’s about damn time you got here”. ha  Then he said, “I told you I’d call you before I die”.  I told him, “You didn’t call”.  He looked at me for a second and then said, “Well, you look good”.  I said, “Thanks Dad!”.  Then he told the nurse “That’s my daughter!”.  Just before I left for the evening, I said “I love you Daddy, I’ll see you tomorrow”, he said “I love you too baby, it’s now or never”.  Those were actually the last few words I got to have with him.  He was less and less lucid throughout that day, and even less each and every hour after that.  It was totally heart wrenching to watch a man, that had never a day in his life complained about pain…to hear him yell out, to beg you to help and you not be able to do anything for him, to hear him crying out and begging for the pain to stop, or for the nurses to not touch him.  Three short days later, when that moment came to say my final goodbye, I watched over him, spoke to him, and told him how much he was loved, how much he’d be missed, and that it was ok, as he took his last breaths.  It was truly the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life, but I will never ever regret those last moments with him.

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Happy 72nd Birthday Daddy, I hope you’re having a great big party up there in heaven to celebrate your earthly birthday!  I love you, and I miss you so very much, and I will always and forever be Daddy’s little girl…..

My Gabi girl has earned her angel wings

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September 1st was definitely one of the hardest most devastating days of my life…….rewind a bit…….many of you have read my previous post about Gabi and her cutaneous vasculitis.….well, she has had her ups and downs, relapses from time to time, but generally doing pretty well for the last 4 years since her original diagnosis.  In April of this year, I took her and her siblings in for their checkup which at the time was a glowing report of health for all of them.  I made an appointment for Gabi to have a dental the next week.  She’d been having some issues with a molar off and on, so I asked them to check that out too.  Well, they ended up removing it, which was fine.  Anything to make her feel better.  About a week later I had to take her back in for a checkup because she was still oozing from the extraction (or so I thought).  They told me it could just still be healing and to give it a bit of time.  I had to give it about 3 more weeks because I had to have major surgery again (sacroiliac fusion) and was on crutches for 3 weeks due to no weight bearing for all that time.  So, I did my best to keep her mouth rinsed and such, hoping it was just taking extra time to heal because of the vasculitis.  Once I was allowed to be mostly normal again, I decided to take her in again because she was still oozing and it wasn’t a bit better.  They did a culture and a biopsy.  The wait for the reports was horrible, and it got worse….  She was diagnosed with untreatable cancer in her jaw.  Hence the oozing.  The extraction had actually healed, but I guess since her immune system has been so utterly out of whack the last few years that it gave the cancer a chance to take hold and do its worst…..and do its worst it did.  From then (June 12th) until Sept 1, she went from being our doing great with her vasculitis, to an almost skeletal, the cancer won…..  She fought a hard battle.  She was such a strong hearted girl…..not giving in to that blasted vasculitis, but couldn’t fight off the cancer.  We did the best we could, but decided at 12 years old, she’d been through enough and just needed to be happy until she was ready for her angel wings.  I took her off all her meds, other than pain pills.  She quit eating anything except canned chicken, which she wolfed down in 10 oz. cans 1-3 times a day!  She couldn’t keep her weight on though, she just kept getting smaller and smaller.  It was sad to watch her wither, but I had to wait for her to tell me she was ready to go, and I knew the very moment that it was time.  They always tell you when they’re ready.  You’re NEVER ready, but you have to let them go.  I held her as she took her last breath and for a bit after.  The vet was wonderful and gave me all the time I needed to say goodbye to her.  Even though it’s been a little over 3 weeks since she earned her wings, it still seems like it was today.  I’ve never had a bond with an animal like I have had with her.  I still have 2 other dogs, and I love them immensely, but I just don’t have that bond with them.  She’s no longer suffering, nor is she in pain….for that, I’m grateful.  She took a part of me with her when she left, but I know in my heart I will see her again when God decides it’s my time to go……it doesn’t keep me from missing her though, nor does it keep my from crying a lot these days…..like now.  I have many wonderful memories, and they made me a paw print plaque keepsake of her paw, which I will treasure.  She was a very well traveled dog, and we saw many many states together over the last 10 years.  We gave her the best life we could and spoiled her as much as we could, and are still spoiling her siblings, that are missing her like crazy, especially her sister Sassy.  I know that as time passes, I won’t cry near as much, but I’ll never stop missing her……..dang but it’s hard to type when everything is blurry from the tears streaming down your face…………….Until I see you again my dear baby girl…..

Decisions I pray you never have to make…..

Hi y’all,

I got one of those dreaded phone calls Monday night that you never EVER want to get…..first a wee bit of background without giving you TMI that you really don’t want to hear, but I’m sure some of you could relate to…..

I unfortunately did not grow up with the best relationship in the world with my Mom, neither did my brother. I haven’t actually seen or spoken to her since November 2005. Not that I haven’t tried everything in the world to have a good relationship, and I DID try, time after time after time, only to be heartbroken yet again. I still loved her though, regardless. I forgave her a long LONG time ago. I just couldn’t have a relationship with her and it’s always been very sad for me. I’m blessed with an awesome Mother-In-Law but it’s just not the same. This is not something I generally talk about to people, but I need to today, so I hope you don’t mind.

My brother called and told me I’d better have a seat that it was going to take a while…..our Mom is basically in a coma. She’s been in CVICU for the last almost 2 weeks. They didn’t find any next of kin (my brother) until Friday. They told him not to hurry because there is nothing he can do, but to come when he could. He went Monday (4-5 hour drive) and got all the particulars. He didn’t want to call me until he knew more…. Apparently she had a stroke, fell and hit her head and she’s been unresponsive ever since. She also hasn’t been eating and weighs in at a whopping 80 lbs. on her 5′ 2″ frame. They say she’s breathing on her own, and there is brain activity but they are not really optimistic that she’ll come out of it. If by some chance she does, they are pretty sure she’ll be paralyzed on her right side. With that said, we have to make some really difficult choices. My brother already signed a DNR, for two reasons. One, we think that’s what she’d want, and two, the doc said it would probably break all her ribs if they tried because she is so frail. She is only 69. Now we have to decide whether to take her off life support or not at some point in the near future. She IS breathing on her own, and there IS brain activity, but she is not responding in any way otherwise. What to do, what to do….. I called my Dad, after throwing the idea around of whether he’d want to know or not. They grew up together and were married almost 22 years before they divorced, so do you tell him now or wait? My hubby said I should tell him, so I did. He was glad that I did, but told me that we (me and my brother) needed to follow our hearts. It’s so very hard……….. I truly hope that none of you ever have to deal with anything like this….. My brother said that unless I needed closure that I shouldn’t go see her. With all the tubes and being nothing but skin and bones he doesn’t feel it would be a good idea to see her that way. I don’t want to remember her that way, but In the last 24 hours I feel like I need to be there. I just don’t know……decisions, decisions, decisions…….lots of prayer……

I hope you all will understand if I’m not “here” for a bit….. 😥

Until next time, I hope each of you have a wonderful, happy, healthy day! :o)